My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
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I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Story of my life…..
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
