Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.

the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr

WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok

[later]

ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.

My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.

Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.

Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.

Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.

The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’