Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.

I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke

Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts

My period: yeah what a mystery

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.

I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.

Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten

Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.

Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it

5: Whose car is this?

Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?

5: Mine.

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.

[Vegan Conference]

Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves

Vegan: I’m a vegan

Vegan2: I’m also a vegan

my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish

Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.

Me: everything happens for a reason

Her: can I get your number?

Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”

Her: I’ll also need your insurance

Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.

Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!

Him: …

Me: …

Him: …

Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-

Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside

If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!