Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

the avengers: “the city is saved”

the city:

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.

Hoping to spice up my evening

bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?

me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting

Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente

I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.

“He fell”

Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

A few hardest things to say:

“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”

“Worcestershire Sauce”

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.

Angel: One step ahead of you!

God: What did you do?!

Elephant: Quack

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

[eating a foot long sub]

*spits out tiny periscope*

“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.