Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.

Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot

My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred

You can’t outrun your problems…

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?

DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*

ME:

DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back

Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?

Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.

HFD:

Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.

Her: Who ate all the ice cream?

Me: *blaming the dog* Reese

Her: What? How?

Me: Witherspoon

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?

ME: wow, what a time saver.