my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
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[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Mistakes were made
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch