My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
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My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on