Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2

Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this

You know how I know society sets us up to fail?

Roombas only work if your house is already clean.

Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.

Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.

Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–

Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.

It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant

We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

“STOP COPYING ME!”

I yell, as my car spins out of control.

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?

The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?

Baby Moon.

Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”

me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers

Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency

Me: I’m being held prisoner

Dispatch: Do they have weapons?

Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords

Dispatch: Umm ok

Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks

Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children

Me: …….Maybe.

Dispatch: 5th one today

Just the best dancing sandwiches.

Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.

Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?

CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.

Me: …Oh

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur

Little Red: I’m going to grandmas

Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy

Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?

Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun