Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun

Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.

Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.

Me: Mmm hmmm

Wife: Are you even listening to me?

Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.

Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”

Who does Amazon think I am?

To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?

How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?

Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.

If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.

Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?

Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.

The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo

Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

Does anything good ever escape from a lab

COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha

ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild

mfs be saying “feb” cause they can’t spell februawary

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.