My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
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A classic example of a cat being a cat.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
The struggle is real.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Not😆🤣
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.