My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
You Might Also Like
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit