My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
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“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
I didn’t even see a listing for Greenland on Zillow…
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.