My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
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“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
“Condescending?” Who put that word into your pretty little head?
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?