My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
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caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….