Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!

HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.

Husband: *stands up*

Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

Me: I’m going to be late.

Boss, over the phone: What happened?!

Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.

please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer

I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.

Table for one, please.

Ma’am, your family is right behind you.

Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you

*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.

T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door

8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!

Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.