Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*

The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

Social media for large reptiles: Instagator

I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle

Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.

WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!

ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again

Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again

greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital

People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles