My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
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*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
PARKOUR
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan