My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
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boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Somebody call the cops.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
I ate everything, including the H.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.