Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]

“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”

*covers it with towel*

“ok now it’s safe”

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

My first son he is wonderful

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

😂

It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.

Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”

Doing your job.

“And me?”

Jobless and upset about the divorce

“OMG” *runs out crying*

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.

At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

#oldknees

Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people