Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day

Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day

I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.

My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.

Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.

In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

me: let’s circle back around and touch base

baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it

Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.

I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.

My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.

Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

An avocado is a vegan kinder egg

Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?

Me: *googles ‘math’*

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

What the FU..

Wrong car

(I have a master’s degree)

I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille