Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.

PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.

Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.

Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*

When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.

ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?

Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?

YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.

CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.

Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters