Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”

-my wife

Do you smoke after sex?

Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”

What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller

detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today

10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?

Me: Oh, don’t worry…

If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

[ funeral ]

me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands

her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping

Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels

[reading The Night Before Christmas]

son: what’s a kerchief?

daughter: what’s a clatter?

son: what’s a sash?

daughter: what are coursers?

son: what’s soot?

daughter: what’s a peddler?

son: what’s a thistle?

me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.

Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.

One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.