My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
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What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
sensitive skin
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years