Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.

wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”

asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.

Me: Are you here to help me be a better person?

The Goat of Christmas Past: Baaa!

Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”

i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.

My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods