My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
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My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
