My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
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Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Every time.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
as is their right
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.