Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have to consciously stop myself from ending all my work calls with “love you bye”

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
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working on a name for my new business

my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not

“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.

“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done

My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

Looking for a new spicy potato chip?

-Hot Pringles in your area

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.