Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

*trimming my nose hair in the mirror

You sexy beast.

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?

Me: Bat cheese?

4: Yes

Me: Bat. Cheese?

4: Yes. Bat cheese.

Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?

4: For my car

Me:

4:

Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!

4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘golfed’

“May I have it in a sentence please?”

Sure. He golfed with a tee.

“G-O-L-F-T”

SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]

My dryer is celebrating lint.

Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?

Wife: Well, it wa….

Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes

Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.

*Jumps on bandwagon*

Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“