My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
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If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Good morning ☺️
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me