I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
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GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit