My favorite thing to do at the library is leave browser tabs open with search results for “best way to clean vomit off a keyboard??”

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Kid: What’s a man?

Dad: A man is who loves unconditionally , cares about you and protects you.

Kid: When i grow up, I’ll be a man like mom


No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.


The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.


CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.


GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar


Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together


It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter


[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”

“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]


Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?