Kid: What’s a man?
Dad: A man is who loves unconditionally , cares about you and protects you.
Kid: When i grow up, I’ll be a man like mom
My favorite thing to do at the library is leave browser tabs open with search results for “best way to clean vomit off a keyboard??”
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No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
15 out of 12 beers agree I can’t do math when I’m drunk.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?