Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.

Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you

Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”

her: i’m going to a concert

me: to see who

her: Bad English

me: sorry, to see whom

“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.

The old gods are rising again.

Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.