My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
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My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Pass gas, not judgment.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
so, is there a mister shapen head
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it