Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour

Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong

Me: I haven’t started yet

*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.

Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.

Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.

Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.

My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’

~nervous tics

Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party

Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

The sun got the nerve to be out.

Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING

Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two

My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that

Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?

A2: I do.

A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.

A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?

A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”

Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.