Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”

[sets up grandfather’s first computer]

ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.

[phone rings one hour later]

ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth

mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth

baby birds: yay! dinner time

People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.

bartender: what are you having mate

guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)

Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.

“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.

4k tvs? no thanks i only need one

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.

day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?

In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume