Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there

sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.

me: Pop the champagne

you: Yay! What are we celebrating?

me: what

I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool

Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?

I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….

[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume

Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into

Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

Person: It’s not rocket science.

Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.

Me: What are you doing?

Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.

Me: I can see you in the mirror.

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.

Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”

*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down