Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!

SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.

This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.

10/10 no notes.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant

My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.

I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.

Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”

If I had two brownies, I’d give you one

little corner off of one

I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway

A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it

Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.

Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work

“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

[dinner party]

*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!

Me: *puts hands out*

Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?

Me: *blushing* guilty

Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.