My favorite thing to say when a man offers me a drink is, “Of course I’ll have another…I AM drinking for two, after all!”
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My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Her: i’m in the mood
Me: me too
Her: wanna do it
Me: oh yeah baby
[we drive to Home Depot to look at paint]
Kanye West at the Sistine Chapel, amazed that it was painted by a Ninja Turtle.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.