Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
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Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?