My favorite thing to say when a man offers me a drink is, “Of course I’ll have another…I AM drinking for two, after all!”

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My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.


If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.


Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.


Her: i’m in the mood

Me: me too

Her: wanna do it

Me: oh yeah baby

[we drive to Home Depot to look at paint]


Kanye West at the Sistine Chapel, amazed that it was painted by a Ninja Turtle.


I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.


The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.


Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.