@_Aynne_

My favorite thing to say when a man offers me a drink is, “Of course I’ll have another…I AM drinking for two, after all!”

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@itsa_talia

i know 99.9999% of you don’t know anything about california area stereotypes but this is such a fullerton thing

@Miniwheats2012

My version of “naked and afraid” is when I’m in the shower, soap in my eyes, and I hear a weird noise.

@laurajaylovette

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

@BuckyIsotope

*rolls up to teens on skateboard*
Hello kids. Can I interest you in a marijuana party?
*pulls out bong with evidence sticker on it*
dammit

@drinksmcgee

If Horror movies have taught me anything, it’s that you give elderly people what they want or else they’ll place a curse on you.

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

@longwall26

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

@dlockw21

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

@Phook75

I don’t ever worry about the kinda world I’m leaving my kids. They’ll just leave their shit everywhere anyhow