My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
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My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I want what they have
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*