Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?

Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop

I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.

*years from now at my will reading*

Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”

My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??

Attorney: “… my meme collection.”

7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list

adds you to my “No” list*

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor

It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me

Therapist: That’s where I can help

Me: Great

Therapist: They don’t

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.

Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine

An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey