Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag

Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”

Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”

It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile

Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart

Noah: glue might work, I have an idea

Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks

I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

Confused owl: What?!

Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination

The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.

His funeral will take plac

*Me coming home after a frustrating day*

Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

kids: *having a rough day*

air-conditioning: *broken*

me: *sweaty and irritated*

underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap

Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.

3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back

– my cat

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

5yo: We should get her two gifts

Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.

5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.

The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.

Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’

The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.

Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.