My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
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Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
rest in peas
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Hamburger Hinderer.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.