My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
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This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Me irl
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
