Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts

My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo

Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon

Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.

Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first

[First day as a Waiter]

Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.

Me: Probably what killed it.

Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.

Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows

My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class

I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me

Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.

Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”

*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.

Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”

STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”

ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”

SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”

ME: “It bends and everything.”

SM: “I’ve seen better.”

Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion

Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this