Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.

Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”

Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*

Me: You there! What year is it?

Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-

Me: I’m from the future, yes

Tupac: To deliver a message!

Me: No

Tupac:

Me: I’m just going to live here

Tupac:

Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy

Me: oh no!

Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels

Me: OH NO!

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”

That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true

I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.

my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.

me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination

me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!

I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.

That is why I don’t flirt

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.