i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
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i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.