Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.

ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!

Cobra: the what

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”

Me: What should we grow?

4-year-old: Tomatoes!

[1 week later]

Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!

4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.

Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?

I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality

My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.

He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!