Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos

Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

surgeon 1: open mike night tonight

surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time

surgeon 1: haha

surgeon 2: haha

Mike: what

moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for

Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.

NEIGHBOR: What’s up?

ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month

NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?

ME: The what now?

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:

Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe

Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip

When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

[inventing that little handle inside the car]

engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?

Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

Breaking news:

Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute

If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.