My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
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“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
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[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Nothing to do, you say?
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