Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…

The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.

Must be a covid thing.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!

Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.

Good morning.

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?

[ 9 months BC ]

Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”

*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*

All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.

*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*

Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”

[getting arrested after heist]

Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout

Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad

Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?

Bowling Ball:

Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

[Driving home from restaurant]

WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”

I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.

His best quality?

His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.