My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
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[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Jogging
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
How to draw a duck
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.