My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
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Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
💀💀
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
fr
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
