My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
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I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
GM✌🏻
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.