My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
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Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.