My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
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Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo