My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
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Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.