My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
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My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Door frame: *exists
My shoulder: MUST. RUN. INTO. IT.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”