My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
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Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.