My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
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[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.