My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
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Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime