Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.

“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!

There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.

My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.