My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
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That took me a moment.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.