My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
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A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.