Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one

Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help

My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.

HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.

{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*

I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

*rubs lamp/genie appears*

*makes me listen to ads before each wish*

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

therapist: how have you been coping with everything

me: with sarcasm mostly

therapist: has that been working

me: yeah it’s been super great

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?

Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?

McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶

Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.

My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.

Holy shit he’s back