My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
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Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.