Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers

ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”

911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?

ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”

Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme

SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.

[on my deathbed]

“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”

*dies*

Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”

Alien: This is candy corn?

Me: Yeah

A: But it doesn’t look like-

Me: I know

A: And it tastes like-

Me: I know

A: So this is kinda like grape soda

Me: There ya go

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

computer: choose new password

math teacher: algebra

computer: password must contain numbers

math teacher: algebraXY

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.

What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing

4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–

Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.

4: *sigh* kay…

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it

I peed so hard that a little laugh came out

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.