My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
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[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I have a place for everything. The floor.
This kinda thing happens to me often
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐