My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
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You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
How it started: How it’s going:
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
My dad.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
I need to sieze this.
