My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
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Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.