My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
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“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.