My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
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Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica