My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
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“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
A friend’s old roommate handmade guitars from Canadian maple with hand cut mother of pearl inlays. He showed me several works in progress and how many hours it took for each step. Truly a labor of love. I learned that day that if you follow your passion, you can bore anyone.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself