My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
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COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
sry
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.