My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
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absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”