My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
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Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.