My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
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what do you want
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.