My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
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I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE