My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
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FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
socratic questions
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐