My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
You Might Also Like
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…