My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
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Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
This morning my 4yo made up the best joke I’ve ever heard???
“What do you call a carriage pulled by snakes?”
“A hiss-drawn carriage”
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials