My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
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Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Just parrot things
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”